Free-Music Review — 19th June, 1999



Category: electronic : dance

My rating: 3 out of 4

A very nicely produced track, though a fairly ambient and gentle one. As the name may suggest, the track uses a lot of celestial instruments: heavenly synthetics for the melody, a repeating shiver noise that produces thoughts of stars, and one of those, erm... jangly things to add a little magic. All this atop a firm but gentle beat to produce a nice sound that soothes the mind.

"Asshole Man"


Category: alternative : adult alternative

Note: EXTREME WARNING: Obscene lyrics

My rating: 3 out of 4

A smarter man would have seen the clues: band-name like "Spit", the word "adult" in the category title, big picture of a sex shop on the band's listing, and realised that this track was not about a man acting like a jerk. But I'm not a smarter man so I didn't realise that this track was, in fact, all about a man's unhealthy love for a certain human orifice. The lyrics are truly disgusting, fully describing a man's fetish for his woman's rectal area. It really will offend 95% of people, and would probably cause about 10% of the population to die on hearing it. But what's most disturbing is the quality of the track: the lyrics are obscene, but brilliantly so; the music is jazzy and very well played; the backing vocals are well sung; and the whole thing sounds very professional. In fact, so long as you do not pay attention to the meaning of the lyrics, the track is a very good one. But I don't want to know what sort of shitstorm would brew up if this track ever got released mainstream in the next five years. The innocent public sure aren't ready for this yet. And I'm not sure I am either. But if you're a faecophiliac this track was made for you.


Bad Acid

Category: alternative : grunge

My rating: 4 out of 4

Now we're talking. It really amazes me that some of these bands aren't big commercial names. This track is great, a roaring thrash-metal grunge excursion in barely intelligible lyrics and growling guitar. Absolutely worth downloading if you like a bit of heavy guitar in your life.

"Before It Is Too Late"


Category: classical : contemporary : electronic classical

My rating: 3 out of 4

A beautiful track that kind of reminds me of those "Tubular Bells" albums with its wistful, dreamy nature. Atmospheric to the point of being moving, this track probably ain't great listening if you're sad or depressed. Or if you only like hard-edged music. But, otherwise, it's wonderful listening.


Killer Spam's Comedy Stuff

Category: comedy : adult comedy lounge

Note: This is not a music track.

My rating: 3 out of 4

This is actually a half-minute-long cut-and-compile speech joke at President Clinton's personal expense. Very amusing if you like that kind of thing and know who Ms. Monica Lewinsky is.

"Manifest Destiny"

Descent Psychosis

Category: electronic : industrial : dark techno / darkwave

My rating: 4 out of 4

Bassheads wanted; those without sub-woofers needn't apply. This is a great track with a very slinky bassline and an alert, sweeping accompaniment. Though being very bassy, this track isn't so much dark as it is funky, and it almost breaks into fall-blown jungle music at one point. You may have to hear this track a few times before you appreciate its worth, but perservere techno people and you'll probably think it's damned cool.


$$$ DOLLAZ $$$

Category: hip-hop / rap : rap : bass assault

My rating: 1 out of 4

This is an awful track. Maybe the download got screwed but the ID3 tag is intact so that's unlikely. Only at one point does this track sound like it's about to go somewhere, then it just dies and again becomes a slow, bust-up lethargy of beats. And there's a bizarre click-click noise that sounds like speaker distortion the whole way through.



Category: jazz / blues / r&b : jazz : bebop

My rating: 3 out of 4

A funky little jazz number that's somehow fast and slow all at once. Some excellent string work produce a very sunny and vivacious track.

"It Hurts When I Pee"

Skankin' Homer

Category: pop / rock : punk : ska

My rating: 4 out of 4

Another group I can't believe aren't a commercial success. I love this track. Despite being a song about a guy complaining that his girlfriend has afflicted him with a sexually-transmitted disease, this track is so upbeat and full of energy that it'll make you smile and put you in a good mood. Unless you're a miserable bugger. The ska style is very refreshing, like nothing I've heard for a long time (I believe it was last seen in Britain in the early eighties). Definitely worth listening to.



Category: electronic : experimental

Note: picked from Weekly Bottom 40

My rating: 3 out of 4

This track gives me flashbacks to the many first-person shoot-em-up worlds I've fought across on my PC. Just listening to this experimental noise conjures an image of a vast, dark cavern, damp and toxic. A creature with a permanent sneer grins suddenly from his place in a small swamp. He moves toward me. Only two shells left for my shotgun. I fire; miss; the creature is now next to me, a crackling green energy about to... arrgggghhhHHHH!!! !!! NO! KILL IT !!!!! AAAaaarrrgghhhh hhh ... ... a-hem. That is to say, this is a poisonously atmospheric track, dark, ominous noise echoing around while a synthetic sound with a life of its own draws ever closer. Seriously ambient, though I'm not sure what you'll make of it if you've never been in an electronic nightmare with no ammunition left and a dozen monsters about to maul you.