Interview with the Bobulous

5th June 1999

Exclusive Teen Head-Fuck interview with the man everyone's swearing about.

"Morning"

It's 19:33. Sunlight still plays across the skyline as I finally find my way to the address Bobulous gave over the phone. When the knocking on the door is finally answered, Bobulous leads me into his ground-floor bedroom. A sty of a place, boxes full of old stuff at every corner. Before I sit on the end of his two-metre bed, he greets me with:

Good morning.

Why always "good morning" I ask. Surely he can read the time?

Yeah, he laughs, I can read the time. But it's a habit now, been saying that for years.

But why?

I don't know. I think it's about getting a reaction, getting people to sit up and pay attention, really hitting people with it. Some people don't get that, they think it's just weird, but it doesn't matter. That's the idea.

On the subject of weird, a lot of people think it strange that you never wear a jacket. You haven't done for about two years. Even in subzero temperatures. What's that all about?

My mum always used to moan that I should wear a jacket. It kinda made me stubborn, ya know, I'd just tell her I knew what I was doing, go without it. Then it became kinda an endurance thing, see if I could live without a jacket even in shitty conditions. Turns out I can, but some people think I'm mad.

Really? Strange that. Haven't you ever wished you had a jacket in the last couple of years?

Only once, in December I think, when I got on the wrong train and ended up on the platform at Streatham Hill for ten minutes, then at Balham for another twenty minutes. It was about minus two and I was just standing about so I got kinda cold. It would' been alright if I was movin' around, but there's nowhere to go on a train platform.

You travel a lot on trains. I heard somewhere it was about two hours a day.

Yeah, in term time. I gotta get up to London, to university.

Doesn't that get boring, the same journey every day?

Yeah, but it don't bother me much. Some people ask why I don't just live in London, but I got it good down here at home so there's not much incentive. And a lot of people who "live in London" have to travel for an hour a day anyway.

Do you think you'll want to live in London eventually?

A lot of people think I will. They reckon it'll be only so long before I can't hack the train journey and I want to be up in town. I say I ain't in no hurry.

Just Cruisin'

A lot of people have been to your site. Do you think of yourself as a successful Web publisher?

For a start, that's a stupid term. "Web publisher". It makes it sound important, when really it just means some idiot putting their view of their world on computers that anyone can look at.

That is the basis of publishing, though. Making something available to the masses.

Yeah, I'm not saying the label is wrong. Just that it sounds bigger than it is. Yeah, I put up a load of stuff for people to stare at, but it doesn't mean I've earnt any title. There's no guarantee of quality.

Are you trying to say that your site is poor quality?

A lot of the sites on the Internet are poor quality. Some of them are just utter shite. And a lot of my stuff is utter shite. But I hope that some people think some of it's amusing, or at least worth a look.

At this point Bobulous lights a cigarette. Moments later he remembers that he doesn't smoke. Fumbling the cigarette causes a small fire to break out in the middle of the pea-soup green carpet. As he tries to stamp out the coin-sized inferno, I ask him to evaluate the worth of his site The Booze Cruise.

Sorry, what? Still a little distracted but soon concentrating again. The Booze Cruise?

Yes, The Booze Cruise. What do you think of its quality as a Web site?

I'm not sure. I enjoyed doin' it an' all, but I'm not sure if I could' done better. The small amount of e-mail I got about it was really mixed. One guy said it was a "wanking good site" while another said it was proof that I'm a "faecal remnant on the backside of humanity". You can see what I mean on the Visitors' Views page. Everyone seemed to think the photographs were good, though, so I'll have to concentrate on them more for the next site.

So there's really going to be another booze cruise?

Yeah, in July. I'm gonna think hard to make the site different this time. It'll still have an account, albeit a snappier one. Some people complained that large parts of the text were just boring, and I agree. There'll be the photographs, of course. But this time I wanna think of something to differentiate the site from the last one. I don't want two sites that are exactly the same in format, but we'll see what I can come up with.

Did you take it badly when Vidad Lintbiff made those comments about your site?

No. I can't see that opinion without laughing. It really is fucking great. To think that I've wound someone up that much, to a point where they call me a "faecal remnant" is just hilarious. I couldn't wait to stick it on the Visitors' Views page so that other people could see what an honest opinion was.

So you weren't upset? Some of the comments from Vidad were very harsh.

They were, but I wish everyone could be that candid. Much better than being paranoid that people are telling you one thing when really they think another. I'd love to know who Vidad actually is.

The submission claims that he's from your university. Did you look into that.

Yeah, but that was bollocks. There's no one with that name at UCL. It's kinda a shame to think someone with views that hard isn't brave enough to leave a real name. I got an idea who it might be, though. There's these two guys on my course who keep asking if I've found out who Vidad Lintbiff is yet. In fact, they started asking the day after the comment appeared. Seems kinda suspect, don't it? Could be a wind up.

Who are these two people?

Couldn't say, 'cause I ain't sure it's them. But they know who they are.

Would you be annoyed if it turned out to be them?

Nah, course not. Just wish they'd put their name on the submission so I could have a laugh with 'em. I don't mind criticism.

History

What are you going to do all summer now that you're not at university again until September?

Not study. That's for sure. I couldn't do it for the exams, so I sure ain't gonna be doin' it in my free time.

So you're not concerned about your career in further education?

Shit, no. I'll be lucky if they let me into the second year after them exams. Can't o' got more than a few marks in each one.

What will you do if they don't let you into the second year?

Don't know. Never thought about it 'cause I never plan anything important. Too busy daydreaming to care about how I'm gonna move through the real world. I might try the first year exams again, or try an' get myself a career, or just fuck about for a while until someone forces me to get on with things. See how it goes.

Does this nonchalant attitude mean you don't have any plans for summer?

Actually, no. I got a few projects in mind for summer. For a start I wanna do a few photo projects. I fancy the idea o' doin' a big fuckin' photo project on my town, some corny title like "Sutton Before The Millennium", something like that, and just get a load of thoughtful shots of the place as it is now in 1999. I wanna do that because those old, vintage photos of the place are wicked, lookin' back to how fucked up the place looked in them days wi' all the hand-painted signs and shit. I want to get a load of pictures of it all now so people look at them in twenty years and think: "Fuck me, look how different the place looked then. Not even any brothels on the High Street."

Are you taking the idea seriously or just toying with it?

Nah, I'm taking it seriously. Reckon I could paint a good view of the place. Some of the old books of the town have histories and big text about the town. But I don't like research, so I'll let someone else do text if there's gonna be any.

What other projects are you going to consider for the summer? Other than the next booze cruise. I'm sure everyone is looking forward to that.

The London Underground. Tha's another place that's changing quite quickly. That Northern Line can't stay a shit-hole forever and I wanna capture the squalor on film before they do something about it. And there's that new Jubilee Line section that ought to look great in comparison.

You seem to care a lot about changes.

Well, not really. It just looks really cool in pictures to see how different things were. It's part of the appeal of photography for me. Capturing history before it even is history. When they finally clean up the Northern Line, people aren't gonna believe what a filthy wreck it was unless they can experience for themselves. And pictures are the only way to do that once someone's changed everything. Photos of stuff like that are the most interesting, to see how things used to be.

Wouldn't video be better?

Yeah, in some ways. But photos are much better at the moment because they're better quality, and they're easier to share with the world. You seen video on the Internet at the moment? Fucking shite.

Fair enough. I look forward to seeing your interpretation of your area on film.

"Fuckwit"

Is it true you've never had a girlfriend.

Yeah, but don't be thinkin' that suggests anything ya grandmother would frown upon.

Is that your way of saying you're heterosexual?

Yeah. Too many people start to assume things if they realise you never had a girlfriend. Just 'cause I've never been with a girl don't mean I drive on the right, just means I'm too fuckin' ugly to have any sex appeal.

Do you have a problem with homosexuals?

Nah, course not. Anyone who don't interfere wi' me ain't none of my business. I just don't want people making assumptions.

So why, do you think, have you never had a girlfriend? Do you really think it's the fault of your looks?

I sometimes blame my looks, but if I'm honest it don't matter that I'm a bit fuck-ugly. I seen blokes that could scare gargoyles walking 'round with some nice female company, so looks can't be a complete barrier. It don't help, obviously, but I think I just got other things stoppin' me. Like, I actually reckon I'd make a fucking shit boyfriend.

Why?

'Cause I'm a bit of a fuckwit. And my temper ain't pretty when I'm wound up. Then I ain't got the sort of money you need to be takin' girls out to fancy restaurants and shit, not to mention the fact the only restaurant food I eat comes from McDonalds. He pauses to think for a second. Suddenly: Car. I don't have a car and I don't want one, and birds like a guy with a car. There's just dozens o' reasons that I'd be a nightmare.

That sounds fairly harsh. Don't you reckon you'll ever have a girlfriend? What about marriage and family.

It ain't harsh, it's just fact. I don't get depressed, 'cause that's just what I am. And I reckon I'll get a girlfriend eventually. Might just need to grow up a bit first, become a more worthy bloke. But don't even fuckin' mention family or marriage or that shit yet. I told you, I don't think ahead about stuff like that.

Never?

Nah. Wait to see if I live that long first. Then I'll think about shit like that.

It's 19:57. I realise I've gotta get home to meet a deadline. Has Bobulous got any final thoughts before I leave?

Yeah. Smarten up some o' my language when you quote me. Don't wanna sound like a rough-as-fuck foul-mouthed piece o' shit, do I?